Living Without Him
by dreams-of-julie
Summary: SD SERENA LEARNS TO LIVE WIHTOUT DARIEN AND IN THE PROCESS BECOMES THE WOMAN SHES MEANT TO BE.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own sailor moon, never have never will. First fanfic any help will be appreciated  
  
LEARNING TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM  
  
"I don't love you anymore," the words whispered softly into the night. It's amazing how five little words have the power to destroy you completely. For a moment time stood still and all she could do was stare at his back as he walked away from her. There where a million different things running through her mind. An array of feelings jumbled all together but above all where the questions, "Why is he leaving me? Why must it always be like this? Him running and me chasing after him?" A solitary tear fell from blue eyes clear as a summer sky. She stood alone in that park that held so many memories, her bland hair loose and wild, hands trembling with emotions she was trying valiantly to hold back and looked up at the moon seeking guidance from its brilliance. If they weren't supposed to be together then why did it hurt so much? If he wasn't suppose to love her then why did her heart yearn for him constantly? She slowly fell to the ground weighed by the emotions that where playing havoc with her soul. The wet grass was staining her new white dress but she didn't care anymore. His indifference and his coldness were tearing her apart and for a moment she wondered if she was strong enough to survive his goodbye. She had loved him for so long, it was all she knew how to do, and it was all she knew how to do well. Suddenly the pain was so intense that she had to bite her lips from crying out loud. She curled up into a tight ball in that wet grass her only cover the darkness of the night and held the tears at bay. She wouldn't cry. What purpose would it serve he was gone forever and with him any hope of a future filled with love. She rocked back in forth in that fetal position on the cold ground all through the night tormented by images of their past, their present, and a future that seemed unlikely. All through the night she forced herself not to cry, she admonished herself to be strong, to survive and go on, and all through the night a little voice kept whispering he'll come back, he has to come back. A million times she stopped herself from running to his apartment to seek the comfort of his arms. She wanted to see him, to beg him to reconsider. She wanted to tell him that she would do anything, go anywhere, change everything about herself if he only let her love him. And a million times she called herself foolish for loving him to much, to strong and to desperately. As the darkness fades away and the morning rays streak the sky her blue eyes slowly open as she looks around at the new day before her. He was gone. His smile, the touch of his hand, and the scent of his skin they were all gone. Yes, he was gone but she still had her whole life before her. Her heart felt heavy as she admitted the truth of her words but as long as she was alive there was always hope. Maybe he would never come back and the thought of loving someone else was implausible but she still had so much to be thankful for. She would go on. She would not beg and she would not cry. If he was gone for good then she would find the strength to let go of him. But this time she would not seek him out nor ask for a second chance. She stood up and fixed herself as best as she could. She squared her shoulders determined to meet life head on without him. As she walked away from the park refusing to look back at the place where she had left her heart a feeling of calm enfolded her. She didn't know how or why but she knew that somehow she would be fine. Despite the ache of his farewell she would endure and rise to the challenge of life. If anyone had seem her at the moment, if her friends had been there they would have seen the radiance in her eyes, the grit in her step and the fortitude to do what has to be done. If he had seen her he would have been astounded by her beauty and the carriage she suddenly possessed. That day as she walked away from the park the nineteen year old girl she had been was left behind and in her place stood a woman ready to do battle with the world. 


	2. chpt 2 Best Friends and Coffee

Thank you so very much to the people who reviewed. Your advised was greatly appreciated. Thank you for your wonderful comments phoenix and thank you for your great advice Amber I will endeavor to fix my grammatical mistakes just have some patience with me. Thank you also to Aqua and her great comments yeah the story is a bit cliché but I thought what the heck lets give it a try. Thank you guys for your great advice. Hey by the way somebody out there give me the correct spelling of the characters names.  
  
Disclaimer: Never have, never will own sailor moon (tears).  
  
Rae observed her best friend behind the rim of her coffee cup. To all appearances Serena looked calm and content. There wasn't a single hair out of place, her hands were perfectly manicured, and the energy that could never hold the blonde in place was conspicuously absent. She had never seen Serena look so contained and composed. It seemed eerie that the bubbly blonde could become so collected in a manner of days. Of course all of them were conscious of what had transpired between her and Darien, after all secrets in their group could never be kept. It was an impossibility all of them were used to. What had surprised Rae was the manner in which Serena had delivered the news of their break up. She had approached the group of girls' yesterday afternoon at the coffee shop they usually attended after class. When she walked in, her poise had captured the attention of their group immediately. She looked absolutely regal and radiant. The elegant movements of her body belied the fact that a few days ago she had tripped over every object in her path. The girls had immediately exchanged glances with each other sensing that something of utter importance had occurred. Serena had looked at each of them straight in the eye; her head held high and with an even tone of voice had informed them that Darien no longer was a part of her life. She had said the words with such finality that all of them had wondered if it was all a sick joke on her part. However, one look in her eyes and they understood the truth of her words. They had not known how to approach the situation because their friend did not give the impression that she sought comfort from them. She had sat on the sofa next to them and refused to talk anymore on the subject.  
  
"What's done is done," was all she said. No tears followed her statement. No sign of needing sympathy showed in her face. And above all there was no desire in her person to share what had truly taken place two nights ago in the park. Rae was worried. She did not know what to make of the woman before her eyes. Yes, she was beautiful. Serena had always been beautiful. But now her beauty appeared almost ethereal. At first glance her beauty gave the impression of fragility but one glimpse into her eyes and you could see the steel and potential that had been awakened in her. The girl Rae had known so well seemed to have vanished overnight and in her place was a strong woman she was starting to admire. Nevertheless, it worried her that Serena refused to talk about her feelings. She was terrified for her friend. Terrified that her pain ran so deep that she didn't want to acknowledge it and face it. Rae comprehended that none of them could understand the depth of their friend's love for Darien. Nonetheless, they were here for her if she needed anything if only she would let them in.  
  
Serena looked up from her coffee cup and for a moment blue eyes clashed with violet in a struggle of wills. Serena knew that Rae felt frustrated and betrayed with her silence. She also knew her friend well enough to recognize that Rae would not stop in her quest to figure out Serena's true sentiments. She smiled behind the coffee cup imagining the wheels in her friend's head turning at the speed of light. She truly appreciated Rae's concern but at the same time found it completely irritating. They did not realize that slowly she was changing. She was beginning to understand that not everything in life is fun and laughter. And she was beginning to learn that the most devastating lesson is to love and lose. Still, she was a graceful loser. But it hurt, God how it hurt to have lost him. Sometimes late at night the absence of his love crushed her resolve to forget and move on. There were times before the morning came that she despaired of being able to let him go. Yet, somehow when things looked the darkest she found another reserve of strength to keep her wits about her. She loved him there was no denying that fact. She would always love him. But now the time had come for her to move on and see what she was capable of accomplishing without him.  
  
She looked over at her friend's disappointed stare and she was suddenly flooded with an array of emotions. In a flash of revelation she saw that her friends concern ran deep and potent. This was what life truly was all about; friends that would lay their life down for you, friends that you would gladly lay down your life for. She smiled, a smile that come from the heart as she was inundated with feelings of love and loyalty.  
  
Rae turned to see Serena grasping her hand and her eyes filled with unshed tears as she viewed the love shimmering in her friend's eyes. "I love you Rae." At that moment Rae understood that her friend would be all right. The strength of will Serena possessed radiated form every pore in her body. They would be fine. As long as they had each other everything would be fine. 


	3. chpt 3 Darien

Don't own anything at all, no sailor moon not even a computer.  
  
"I love you," whispered in the silence of the night. Soft kisses slow and tantalizing caresses playing mayhem with his dreams. He tries to flee from the memory of yielding blue eyes that beg only for his love. Long graceful fingers tracing his face with care and devotion torture his conscience. And even in his dreams the question that follows him is "What have I done?"  
  
He shakes the thoughts that follow him as he walks towards his apartment. It was dark, the only light came from the moon and at that moment it pained him to confront the truth; he had lost her. He had walked away after whispering the words that shattered all that they were, all they had been and all that they would be. He entered his apartment and suddenly the loneliness that was in his heart overwhelmed him. The rooms looked so barren and his home felt so empty without her smile. As he sat on the couch the enormity of his actions hit him. It was everything he could do to keep from falling on his knees and start crying like a child. He loved her. There was no question in his mind that he needed her. She was the reason his days were filled with laughter and sunshine. Yet, he had hurt her terribly. He had rejected her love. Tossed all the promises in her face and walked away without looking back. He had no idea why he had done the things he had done. He loved her fiercely. For three years there had never been any other thought in his head but her. He had loved her blindly and passionately but suddenly all those feelings that ruled his life had gotten to be too much. The only thing that his heart seems to scream is "Get away."  
  
So he turned his back on love because he couldn't quite handle the emotions anymore. The love he felt for her had grown too powerful that he feared for his sanity. He needed her frantically to the edge of distraction. He had to leave because he had felt the madness nipping at his heels. When he had seen her that night at the park the love he felt for her had gripped his heart and slowly he began to withdraw from its flame. She had noticed the change in his expression; she had felt the shift in his emotions and her eyes had reflected her pain and confusion in their blue depths. When he had removed his hand form her clasp he knew that she had felt the rejection. She had tried to reach him but he had closed his heart and hid mind to her. Their connection had been severed and the only word she had whispered was "Why?"  
  
His intention had never been to hurt her but he had felt the need to do it. He had to leave her because he did not recognize himself anymore. And know he was full of regrets. His thoughts were filled with the things he could have done better, the ways he could have showed her how much he loved her, and the feelings he could have shared with her. He had no idea what he was going to do. How do you go on when you lose the one ting that gave meaning to your life?  
  
He walked to his bedroom but stopped at the door when he was assailed with memories of Serena and he wrapped around each others arms. He couldn't sleep in his room tonight. Her scent was permeated in his pillow and in his bed. All through his room he could see the subtle touches that reminded him of her; a lace handkerchief on the dresser, a hair ribbon sticking from underneath the bed and a pink sweater carelessly thrown in a chair. The memories were to fresh to strong in his mind to spend the night in the bedroom that held so many of their stolen moments.  
  
He made his way back to the living room and the couch he would get acquainted with for tonight. Maybe he just needed time to sort out his jumble emotions. He tried to convince himself that once things returned to normal she would still be there. But deep inside he knew that Serena could learn and would learn to live without him. It was him who needed to hear her voice in order to go on. It was him who could never pick up the pieces of his life if she had been the one to end things. He knew that there was something wrong with him. The deep sadness that had settled in soul wouldn't let him be. His future looked bleak without her and still he couldn't bring himself to go to her. This time he was afraid; truly afraid that he might have lost her for good. As he continues to stare at the moon his heart keeps praying "Please God, somehow, somewhere let me find my way back to her arms once more." 


	4. chpt 4 Serena's Thoughts

I hope you guys like the new chapter. It's just a look into Serena's thoughts. Thank you to all the people who reviewed. They where wonderful reviews. Please continue to give me your input. I will do my best to fix my mistakes. Your advice has helped a lot since this is my first foray into writing. Thanks guys!!!!  
  
Don't own anything no sailor moon (tears)  
  
Serena's Thoughts  
  
Love is illogical. Love is beautiful and wondrous. It is also intractable and complicated. Love can dominate every aspect of your life. It can bless you with incredible joy or submerge you in the depths of sorrow. It has the power to question, manipulate and distort your emotions. However, love can also open your eyes to endless possibilities. It can bask you in its glory and give meaning to your existence. So I ask you what purpose would life serve if you close yourself to the one emotion that fills life with marvel. The one emotion that can make you feel entirely alive. Yes, it is a risk to put your heart on the line. It is a gamble that can be lost or won. But the reward overrides every concern because to love, to experience love in its entirety is like holding a miracle in your hands.  
  
To love and to lose can rupture your life. It is a lesson that is hard to learn; a lesson that shatters your illusions and puts an end to your dreams. Nevertheless, it is a lesson that compels you to move on, to become strong, to begin anew and to reaffirm your dreams. It is the one lesson in a woman's life that breaks her or makes her. It is the lesson that made me into the woman I am now.  
  
It is funny how life can change in the blink of an eye. There was a time in life when my only goal was to marry the man I loved and live happily ever after. Now life is different.  
  
When he said goodbye six months ago I doubted my will to survive. Still, the old adage remains true, "Time heals all wounds." Little by little a heart recovers and begins to beat again. Although somewhere in the recess of the mind there's always the hope of loving him again; I have realized that life can go on without him. There where times during those long months when I had faltered in my vow to remain detached. There where times in which I almost picked up the phone to call him and hear his voice. But always there was that inner voice reminding me to continue life without him. It was that voice that lent me courage to be brave; to start living life without depending on somebody else for happiness. And for the first time since he said goodbye I recognize that I am happy. Even though, losing him has been a hard pill to swallow I have found the way to move on and breathe. I have found the way to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and put it back together.  
  
Love, it is a wonderful thing. Nonetheless, it is an emotion that can annihilate you if you're not careful. Finding your way out of love can be arduous and challenging. However, I don't have any regrets. If given the opportunity I would love him once again. And my life is fuller now because him. His love added another dimension to my world and allowed to see life in a different light. I was blessed. Not many people in life get to experience the love of a lifetime. And I am happy. Despite the ache his departure left I am happy.  
  
I smile as I look at the moon form my bedroom window. The despair of the previous months finally gone. Life is good and although my heart still holds out for him I am no longer chained to him. Every day presents the challenge of life. It bestows upon me the prospect of achieving my goals. And every day brings the possibility of finding love again and for that I am thankful. 


	5. chpt 5 A walk at night

Do not own Sailor Moon. Hey guys still having some trouble with my grammar so bear with me. Please help me out and review and tell me what's wrong and if you like or don't. First time writer so I appreciate all of your input.  
  
He saw her last night. She looked so beautiful that for one moment time stood still. It had been six long months since that painful evening in the park; six long months where the absence of her smile had almost driven him insane. And now, after all this time, there she was walking sown the street. She shone so brightly like a beacon in the endless darkness that is now his heart. He had avoided all the places she and her friends frequented. He had tried unsuccessfully to eradicate her memory from his life. And he had valiantly suppressed the urge to seek her and beg for forgiveness. However, he had failed miserably. So, tonight he had finally broken down and admitted at least to himself that he needed to see her. All he wanted was to catch a glimpse of her lovely countenance. All he longed for was to hear the sound of her laughter even if it was from afar.  
  
Therefore, when night arrived he made his way to the coffee shop she worked at and waited outside. The rain was slowly falling on his shoulders drenching his tall frame. The wind played with his ebony strands and his dark blue eyes reflected the hopelessness that followed him constantly. But he craved the sight of her. Somehow he knew that seeing her would soothe his inner demons. So he waited; waited for the lights to turn off and the door to open letting his angel out. Then it happened. After six long months of agony he was once again blessed with the vision of her smile.  
  
His breath caught at the sight of her. There was no other word for it she was beautiful. He saw the way she smiled as she said farewell to one of her coworkers and made her way to her small apartment. He envied that man for he could bask in the brilliance of her smile. He envied all those who could see her freely. All those that were able to enjoy her laughter, her sense of humor and her kindness and he cursed himself for being such a fool.  
  
He always knew that the strongest one of them was her. And tonight seeing her for the first time in such a long absence he knew that she had moved on. That link that had tied their lives together had been severed. By his hands he had broken them apart and now she had learned to live her life without him. She looked so happy that he lost himself in the shadows; refusing to call her name.  
  
Maybe it was better this way. After all, he had only wanted to admire her from afar. Maybe now his dreams would give him peace. Maybe now he could find a way to put her love to rest. He laughed bitterly to himself for he knew that would never happen. As long as he lived he would keep loving her, as long as he breathed the image of her face would haunt him.  
  
He walked away shoulders hunched and defeated. It was for the best. He was glad that her life was moving forward but a part of him wished that she still ached for him. He was selfish wishing for something he knew he had no right to. However, he couldn't help it. Even if it was his fault that he found himself in that situation. At least she hadn't seen him. She hadn't seen the way he had deteriorated in the last months without her.  
  
As he made his way back to the car he heard a small sound behind him. He almost didn't catch it until he realized somebody had called out his name. He turned to see Serena standing there her beautiful blue eyes boring into him.  
  
"Darien?" The question hung in the night swallowed by the endless darkness. 


	6. chpt 6 Redemption

Thank you to all those that review. Thanks to Silver Moonlight-81 and Ami Mizuno1 for your encouragement and constructive advice. Well the story ends here. Tell me what you think. Like always constructive criticism is appreciated!!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon (Tears)  
  
"Darien?" The question hung in the night swallowed by the endless darkness.  
  
The rain falls all around them and for one moment time stands still. In the silence of the night all you can hear is a heart breaking once more and another crying for redemption. Two souls bound for eternity; one lost in darkness and one striving to survive at all costs.  
  
She never thought she would see him again. She had forced her heart to forget to move on but tonight it seemed destiny had a different plan in mind. It had been so long; so long since she had allowed herself to say his name out loud. Even in the recess of her dreams she vanish his memory knowing it was the only way she could learn to go on without him. And now, after all this time he was standing before her.  
  
Suddenly all those forgotten memories come rushing back and once again she's that young girl longing for his love and approval.  
  
For one instant she's tempted to rush to his arms.  
  
For a moment there she forgets that time has passed and she's a different person.  
  
For one second she's blinded and all she can remember is the touch of his hands.  
  
And as she looks at him she loses herself in that old forgotten dream and she sees the way he used to be so beautiful so strong.  
  
She remembers the scent of his skin, the way his lips tasted, and the way his hands wrapped themselves around her hair.  
  
She remembers the sound of his laughter, the tilt of his smile and the brilliance of his deep blue eyes.  
  
But above all she remembers a love that elates, torments, confounds, and ruptures her heart in two when she recalls his goodbye.  
  
However, reality intrudes on memories that should be left in the past where they belong.  
  
But how can you do that when your past is standing before you looking more beautiful than he has a right to?  
  
The rain continues to fall and she reminds herself to harden her heart. To bear in mind that it was he who walked away on that cold September night.  
  
Then again, easier said than done, her heart betrays her once again and she can't help but reach out to touch his face. Moreover, with that move comes the realization that she's been lying to herself all this time. She loves him. She loves him so much that it's all she can do to keep from flinging herself into his arms and never letting go. The tears threatened to fall and the memory of his farewell slashes at her like knives. She wanted to hold him, this man who had walked into her life and turned it upside down with his love. And as he looks at her with those eyes that had been seared into her brain; she fights to blank out the wonder of being near him, of being so close that she can touch him once more.  
  
In the lonely months of sleepless nights and hopeless days, she had come to the conclusion that Darien was inherently hard. He would always be capable of shutting her out of his life and coldly walking away from her, because he would never really trust her. He would never let himself be completely vulnerable and would always find a reason to push her away. He would only offer her a fraction of his affection never allowing her to thread into the corners of his heart. However, that would never be enough; she wanted him, all of him.  
  
His eyes were holding hers, as he reached to grasp her hand and she could see the desperation in them.  
  
"Serena?"  
  
The sound of his voice after such a long absence almost unravels her. Summoning the last vestiges of her self-control, she firmly pushes his hand away from her. She pulls her gaze away from his and turns on her heel walking away from him. She has to leave; to run away before she admits to the truth that prevails in her heart.  
  
For the second time in her life she can feel her heart shattering and this time she doesn't know if she'll survive. As she walks away her slim body wracked with wrenching sobs she hears the soft whisper of his voice.  
  
"Please." His voice is hoarse and tight, as if the words are being twisted from him.  
  
She feels her defenses crumble and as he jerks her into his arms, crushing her to his lean, hard length, she winds her arms tightly around his neck, smoothing his thick, dark hair. His lips open on hers with greedy desperation, his hands moving over her back pulling her to him as if he wanted to absorb her.  
  
"I need you so much," he whispers, trying to control the longing that overcomes him.  
  
She kisses him back with all the aching love in her heart. As she surfaces back to reality, her cheek pressed against the pounding of his heart. A shudder runs through her body and she cries softly in anguish as she holds on to him.  
  
She cries for him and she cries for herself. She cries and she yearns because she knows the she has to fight the beauty of being held in his arms once again. As much as she loves him, as she has always loved him she knows she has to walk away from his arms.  
  
He's always had this incredible power over her; the power to call her back to his arms when he wants, the power to make her forgive him for his transgressions and the power to make her fall in love with him all over again.  
  
And as she holds on to him she knows that if she wants to be the woman she's destined to be now is not the time to be with him. For now the path she is to follow in life has to be without him. To fulfill her destiny she must do it alone but deep inside her a new hope flourishes: the hope that she will have love. After all is said and done she will have his love.  
  
As she struggles to regain what's left of her self-control she firmly pushes away from his embrace.  
  
"I have to leave Darien."  
  
Darien's jaw tightens and his whole body tenses at the calm, finality in her voice. With his blue fathomless blue eyes still holding hers, he reaches out to brush a strand of her hair back. Their eyes clash and tell the unspoken words neither of them dare to whisper.  
  
The only thing Darien wants to do is hold her and never let her go. But in her gaze he sees the resolve. For the first time he sees the maturity behind those blue orbs and realizes that the girl that used to be is no longer. However, what hurts the most is because of his own foolishness he hadn't been there to see the transformation. The woman before him is everything he wants and everything he can't have.  
  
And he knows he's lost and as he watches her turn away from him he feels the emptiness swallowing his heart whole.  
  
Nevertheless, in the stillness of the night he hears the parting words that make his heart whole once again. The words that give him hope and finally make him understand that he has to follow his own path in order to find his way back to her once more.  
  
"I'll always be your girl Darien. Wherever life takes me I'll always be yours."  
  
The End!!!! 


End file.
